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1. This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what the' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
2. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking. Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
3. A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good Samaritans and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
4. A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!"
5. A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
6. One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living snot out of her. Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, 'Shoot, I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman.'
7. A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent". "One penny?" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
8. A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
9. A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
10. A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible"? "What do you mean? I'm fine." "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." "Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands." "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes." "One day when we were at sea some birds was flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!" "Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
11. One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"
12. Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?" The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the missus and me have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating. " The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!" The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that." The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, " So……… What happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "
13. A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference. "The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch." The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!" Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing." A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one." The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
14. An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
15. The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
16. . A giraffe walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "What can I get you."
The giraffe says, "Get me a beer. I all ready had two hi-balls."
17. A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?" The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink. "The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"
18. Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here." The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket. The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney. The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
19. A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While he's drinking it, he looks around the bar and sees that it is almost empty, except for a few other people and a barrel with a hole in it. He asks the bartender what the barrel is for. The bartender responds, "Well just go stick your penis in the hole there." So, the guy goes and does this and comes back to the bartender and says, "Wow! That was great!" "Yup, and you can do that anytime you want now, except Thursday." So, the guy asks, "Well, why not Thursday?" "Well, that's going to be your day in the barrel."
20. Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here, shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
21. Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar are discussing their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it were dark." These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!" "Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationalist, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."
22. The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
23. An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong."I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop doing his wife." "So stop!" the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The jerk didn't sign his name!"
24. There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."
25. A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast." The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have." The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" "Fifty cents!"
26. A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
27. A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard." She says, "Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass". He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down." She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good." She goes home to her husband and says, "A guy at the bar told me he was gonna make my nipples hard." He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk out the door. She grabs him by the arm, and says, "He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down." Her husband turns around and walks back into the house. She yells, "Where are you going?" He says, "I ain't fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer."
28. A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
29. A guy goes to a bar and sees a big jar of 5-dollar bills in it. He asks the bartender "What's with the money?" the bartender replies, "We're having a contest. You have to put in 5 dollars in the jar. Then you have to complete 3 tasks. If you pass, you get all the money in the jar" "ah what the hell. Let's give it a try." says the man, and puts the five dollars in the jar. "First", says the bartender, "you have to drink a large glass of tequila without making a face. Second, there is a vicious rottweiler outside with a sore tooth. You have to pull out the sore tooth. Third, upstairs there is an old woman who has never had sex in her life. You have to have sex with her. OK?" "Fine" says the man. The bartender gives him the glass of tequila. The man drinks the whole thing without making a face. Now drunk, he goes outside. The bartender here's lots of yelling and barking. When the man comes back, he is all shredded up. He asks "ok, where's the woman with the sore tooth?"
30. A ninety-year-old man stopped into his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink. Noticing a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got as freaky as two old folks can. Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed to the doctor. After careful examination, the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, "Sure!" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. The old man said, "Sure, why?" "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to come!"
31. A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are assholes!" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that back." The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole."
32. A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
33. A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and says, " I don't have a problem, I'm celebrating my first blow job!" The bartender looks with a smile and says," Well that's just dandy, let me get the next one!" "No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, the 7th won't help either!!!"
34. A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake.
35. The policeman sits up in his cruiser, in his favorite hiding spot next to the bar; At 2:30 am, the bar closes, and people start coming out. The cop notices one poor drunk fellow, who stumbles into the parking lot, and thinks, "I've gotcha, buddy!" As people keep leaving, this poor guy trips and falls, dropping his keys. He searches for his keys for about 10 minutes, ambling around in a daze as still more people are driving off. Finding his keys, he then tumbles into the nearest car, and tries to open the hood with his key. Unsuccessful but undaunted, he tries this on four other cars, at last finding his own. After many tries, he finally gets the door open, and collapses into driver's seat, and passes out for 30 seconds, and turns the car on as the last remaining customer drives off. He then puts the car in drive, and goes no further than two feet, and the cop is on him! After submitting to a breath-alyzer test, and coming up zero, the cop asks, "I saw you stumbling, snot-slinging drunk! How are you coming up sober?" The man replied, "I was the D.D. - Designated Decoy."
36. A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this Breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
37. There once was a blind fellow who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are huge!" The bartender replied, "Yup! Everything is big down here in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the restroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally missed the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man surfaced and started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
38. A guy walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his forehead. Astonished, the bartender shouts, "wow, where'd you get that!" the frog says, " I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!
39. The one-day this guy walks into a bar and sits down at one end. A group of three fellows are sitting at the other end of the bar. One of them notice's that it is Jesus. And says "Hey that's Jesus." The others realize this and they decide to be nice and buy him a beer. They call the bartender over and tell him to send him a beer. So the bartender fills up a beer and shoots it on down to Jesus. Jesus takes the beer and drinks it right down. After he is done, he gets up and walks over to the three guys. He says to them "I really appreciate what you've done for me, I'd like to help you out." He senses that the first guy has a bad elbow, so Jesus touches the fellow on the arm. The guy feels no more pain in his arm, and he gets up, and he's swinging it around and goes running around the bar shaking everyone's hands. Jesus then walks over to the second man, and senses that he has a bad knee. He places his hand on the man's knee. The man stands up and there is no pain. He thinks it great and starts dancing around the bar, having a great time. Jesus walks up behind the third but senses nothing wrong with the man. So deciding to ask the man what he would like he reaches for the man. The man jumps back and shouts "Hey! Don't touch me! I'm on workers compensation!"
Q: Where does an Irish person go on a vacation?
A: A new bar
40. A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you here." The grasshopper looks puzzled, and replies, "You have a drink named Fred?"
41. A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it are a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the Clerics are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a Rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days. "The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God. "The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any? "The rabbi replies, "No.……I think I'll wait for the police."
42. A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
43. Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet. "Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"
44 .A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her, "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yeah, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says, "Yeah, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady says, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
45. A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!" "Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"
46. A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.
47. A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The bartender speaks up and says "Hey what the hell are you doing?" The blind man says" Just taking a look around.."
48. At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunken guy asking what time the bar opens."It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"
49. A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
50. A guy walks into a bar with a huge gorilla. The bartender asks him what the deal is and the man says that the gorilla has been specially trained so that when he hits the animal in the jaw, he gives him a blow job. The bartender doesn't believe it so the man pulls his arm back and punches the gorilla in the face. The gorilla gets up, brushes himself off, and gives the man a BJ. He has to perform the whole trick again for the barkeep, who still doesn't believe it. The man finally asks the bartender if he wants to try it. "Sure," he says, "just don't hit me as hard as you hit that gorilla."
Thats All Folks!!!!
